He is My Healer

Your faithfulness will never let me down

I’m confident I’ll see your goodness now

I know you hear my heart, I’m singing out

There’s nothing that can stop your goodness now

     These words. God’s goodness. I knew what I was praying for. I knew exactly what I was yearning for. But I had no idea how real, how true these words would become in my pursuit of healing. They were a testimony foreshadowing the goodness of the Lord that was to be revealed.

Nearly four weeks ago,  God spoke and moved in action, revealing this goodness.

“Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me."

      This became a beautiful truth to me. It was so convicting and also so assuring. I have read John 15 several times over and over again. I mean it has became a life passage to me ever since I first became Diabetic. Even so, it seemed like I had never read this line before. I’m sure I have read it, but this time it stood out. This time the Spirit used it to speak more clearly to my heart. I will not be able to bear fruit by myself. This is any fruit whatsoever. For me, right now, this definitely means healing myself. It is not something that I am able to do by myself. Do I trust in God enough to remain in Him alone? Do I trust in God’s ability so much that He is able to do the impossible even now?

      Nearly four weeks ago, a close friend came to me and asked, "What would happen if you stopped your pump?” I was remarkably shocked by the question that I couldn’t even give an answer. Later on, I thought about all of the different consequences and all of the various complications that could possibly happen. It very much paralyzed me in fear. I cannot do something like that. But I also can’t let fear get in the way of a work that God clearly wants to do. Do I trust him?

      In the following days, I read through John 15 once again and this particular sentence spoke to me. “Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.” I felt like this was such a sweet verse to me in my time. I prayed through this verse and asked God to give me the assurance I needed to be convinced of stopping my insulin pump. I needed to be so certain that this was the leading of the Lord. This was a huge step of faith, a big step of brave surrender. It was about surrendering all control, security, and everything into His hands. Even as I prayed, the Lord revealed His heart through my own words.

        I went to pick up insulin and my health insurance was not accepted so I was unable to get the insulin needed for the next round. I was already thinking about stopping the pump and then this happened. This definitely appeared to me as a sign of an open door. I started to pray to God and give Him this situation. I started to speak and say “You know I need the health insurance, and it is letting me down.” And I realized that although this is the case, God wasn’t going to let me down. Then, I started talking about the insulin vile emptying itself and felt him speak to me: "Although the insulin becomes empty, do you trust that I have an ample supply available for you?" It may empty, but God’s supply never will. I began to cry uncontrollably. I kept thinking to myself, "Yes I trust that you have more than enough. Your very life and presence will provide me with everything that I need and even more." I knew in this moment that God was leading me to pursue the ultimate healing and touch of His mighty presence.

       On Saturday, May 13th, I stopped my insulin pump. I had set up a prayer group of nine people specifically to pray for my healing process. I was a bit uneasy and greatly terrified to go without insulin through the night. He was leading me to give up everything that I perceived as security and that was terrifying. A group of my closest friends did a sleepover, and one of these friends volunteered to wake up every 2 hours to check on me and make sure I was doing okay sleeping. They also prayed over me before we went to sleep. They prayed over all fears and praised for my faithfulness as well as God’s protection and faithfulness. They also spoke truth into my heart about my faith, my trust in God, my relationship with God and how that has been reflected even into my own character as a spiritual leader. The one prayer I distinctly remember was that God would be within my bloodstream.

        I woke up on Sunday morning and I felt just fine. I felt like the real miracle was that I woke up. When my friends asked how I felt, I just responded that I felt normal. I wasn’t really sure what I was expecting. I mean, what does it feel like to be healed? I think I partly expected to hear a choir of angels or the very voice of God saying, “Get up. You are healed.” Well, unfortunately none of those things happened. So, my confidence in healing really appeared to lack. I was starting to think that my faith wasn’t compensating for the big jump I had just taken. I think I tried to reason more than I tried to believe. It became reasonable for me to think that my body could continue living without insulin for a couple of days, instead of believing that God had restored me in His power. When asked about how I was feeling, all I could say is: “I am trying to not be defeated by the numbers and the way that I see success compared to the way that God sees it.” It was not until the next evening that I realized in faith what the Lord had done for me. For the first time in 3 years, I was able to feel the stillness of my body. I was able to hunger without feeding my body as a result of shakiness or weak tendencies.

          I am living in the reality that God has healed me and has done His good work in me. He has promised to heal, and He has brought that promise into fulfillment. God has lead me to trust in the prayers and faith of my community. He called me to lean into the community, and I have been humbled by the faith of this community. Their faith led me to assurance.

“Jesus said, “Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” 

John 15:4-5

So that is what I am doing. I choose to remain in Him, fully confident that He also remains in me. God's faithfulness will never let you down. There is nothing that can stop His goodness now.